Let's call this a foul ball. Mind the collateral damage, boys.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Go get your own war, we saw it first
Doesn't Iran understand? It's not where a war is located that's important, it's who calls it first that matters. Why are they trying to muscle in on our war? I mean it's not like they have the inventory of countless defense contractors to burn off. Look, if they have domestic issues they want to solve there's plenty of other countries they can pick a fight with. Why do they have to be such copycats and stick their hand in our pie?
OK, let's make a deal. Whe we're done with Afghanistan Iran can throw their own war there after we hightail it. And don't worry, those Afghans have plenty of fight left in 'em: It won't just be "sloppy seconds".
OK, let's make a deal. Whe we're done with Afghanistan Iran can throw their own war there after we hightail it. And don't worry, those Afghans have plenty of fight left in 'em: It won't just be "sloppy seconds".
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Permission Granted
As a reader of the Umour Ritual Forum, you are hereby given permission to bitch-slap anyone who uses the Energizer Bunny in conversation anymore. For intance, if they refer to a hard-working person as 'just like the energizer bunny, they keep going and going', that's when you have the right to slap them straight across the lips.
If you wish, print out this page and cut out this post, and hand it to the slap-ee after the reproof.
You'll be glad you did.
Thank you.
EU-MOR
If you wish, print out this page and cut out this post, and hand it to the slap-ee after the reproof.
You'll be glad you did.
Thank you.
EU-MOR
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
The Forbidden Zone
How could we have possibly overlooked this for all of these years?!?!? Order the full movie at www.forbiddenzonethemovie.com
Friday, December 15, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
What If...
What if, when you die, you experience every moment of your life, in exact detail, all at once, forever. Would it be heaven?
Monday, November 06, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
Coming Back from Extinction
Once again, God has put the liberal naysayers to shame. Those that claim that our God-given duty to subdue the earth stops just because the calender says its 2006 can cease their fear-mongering and environmental bellyaching, as it's clear that God can recreate any species he chooses, even species that hippie tree-huggers (and their ideological hitmen known as 'scientists') have declared "extinct".
As proof, consider the Ivory-billed Woodpecker. This species was completely gone from the woods of Arkansas and anywhere else in the world. This species was made "extinct" precisely because we God-fearing lovers of progress had conquered and subdued those portions of the earth where this woodpecker eaked out its miserable existence. But just likee God made Adam and Eve and all the animals on the earth, God can recreate any species he wishes, at any time, andd the reappearence of the Ivory-billed woodpecker proves it.
Let's not listen, then, to those who would try to scare us with their talk of global warming and extinction of species. If an woodpecker or owl is not strong enough to survive what is our rightful detiny, then it's God's will for that speces to dissappear for a time. If conditions become right once again, God can recreate that species should He choose. Let us therefore continue to expand and generate new wealth, for truly this is God's blessing upon us for obeying His commands.
Amen.
As proof, consider the Ivory-billed Woodpecker. This species was completely gone from the woods of Arkansas and anywhere else in the world. This species was made "extinct" precisely because we God-fearing lovers of progress had conquered and subdued those portions of the earth where this woodpecker eaked out its miserable existence. But just likee God made Adam and Eve and all the animals on the earth, God can recreate any species he wishes, at any time, andd the reappearence of the Ivory-billed woodpecker proves it.
Let's not listen, then, to those who would try to scare us with their talk of global warming and extinction of species. If an woodpecker or owl is not strong enough to survive what is our rightful detiny, then it's God's will for that speces to dissappear for a time. If conditions become right once again, God can recreate that species should He choose. Let us therefore continue to expand and generate new wealth, for truly this is God's blessing upon us for obeying His commands.
Amen.
Monday, June 12, 2006
NEXT EVENT/NON-EVENT EVENT:
Saturday, June 24, 2006
An afternoon of post apocalyptic music and art for a world without power.
Saturday, June 24, 2006 3:00 PM At The Barn, in Cold Spring, NY
email us for reservations and directions. Donations accepted.
email: ritual_specialist@umour.org
An afternoon of post apocalyptic music and art for a world without power.
Saturday, June 24, 2006 3:00 PM At The Barn, in Cold Spring, NY
email us for reservations and directions. Donations accepted.
email: ritual_specialist@umour.org
We Want DRUGS, Goddammit!
OK, this is getting ridiculous.
I can only get one box of Claritin at a time, because kids can supposedly take several boxes of the stuff and make crystal meth or something out of 'em. Now I can get all the Claritin I need if I'm willing to stand on line more than once.
So does anyone think this is really slowing anyone down? And look, they're just seeking a high, seeking an escape from the shitty dog-eat-dog society we've all created. I want to escape too, OK? Is that so wrong? Even if so, fuck off: I'm an adult.
OK, here's the simple and obvious solution. It's a complete win-win for everybody.
I call upon the pharmaceutical companies to make us a recreational drug that will be acceptable to society and the law as well. It should have the following characteristics:
1. The high lasts 20 to 40 minutes.
2. The high should be mildly hallucenogenic.
3. The high should make communication and social interaction fun.
4. The high should not have any negative impact on liver or other body parts.
5. The drug should only be addictive to the kinds of people that would get addicted to something or other anyway. ie, there should be no true physiological dependency.
6. It should be liquid and squirtable into drinks.
7. It should cost approximately $5 to $7 bucks a trip.
8. Multiple doses should increase the drug's effect, but it should saturate. In other words, it should be inherently possible for the drug to make it impossible for you to walk or kind of communicate. And in any event, the duration should still be limited to about 40 or perhaps 60 minutes.
OK, this should be simple enough. A safe, fun drug that we can all enjoy and that the pharmaceutical companies could make tons of $$$ selling us.
Anyone who is against even the idea of creating an acceptable recreational drug is a fascist: They want to regulate mental states, even those that harm no one.
I can only get one box of Claritin at a time, because kids can supposedly take several boxes of the stuff and make crystal meth or something out of 'em. Now I can get all the Claritin I need if I'm willing to stand on line more than once.
So does anyone think this is really slowing anyone down? And look, they're just seeking a high, seeking an escape from the shitty dog-eat-dog society we've all created. I want to escape too, OK? Is that so wrong? Even if so, fuck off: I'm an adult.
OK, here's the simple and obvious solution. It's a complete win-win for everybody.
I call upon the pharmaceutical companies to make us a recreational drug that will be acceptable to society and the law as well. It should have the following characteristics:
1. The high lasts 20 to 40 minutes.
2. The high should be mildly hallucenogenic.
3. The high should make communication and social interaction fun.
4. The high should not have any negative impact on liver or other body parts.
5. The drug should only be addictive to the kinds of people that would get addicted to something or other anyway. ie, there should be no true physiological dependency.
6. It should be liquid and squirtable into drinks.
7. It should cost approximately $5 to $7 bucks a trip.
8. Multiple doses should increase the drug's effect, but it should saturate. In other words, it should be inherently possible for the drug to make it impossible for you to walk or kind of communicate. And in any event, the duration should still be limited to about 40 or perhaps 60 minutes.
OK, this should be simple enough. A safe, fun drug that we can all enjoy and that the pharmaceutical companies could make tons of $$$ selling us.
Anyone who is against even the idea of creating an acceptable recreational drug is a fascist: They want to regulate mental states, even those that harm no one.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
KABOOM!
The President of Iran is asking for direct talks with W.
Always do the right thing, President Ahmadinejad.
Always do the right thing, President Ahmadinejad.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
UMOUR FORUM READER REGISTRATION
THIS NOTICE IS FOR ALL READERS OF THE UMOUR RITUAL FORUM. THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT HAS DETERMINED THAT THE MATERIAL HEREIN IS POTENTIALLY TREASONOUS AND LEADING TO TERRORIST THOUGHTS AND INTENTIONS. IT IS THEREFORE REQUIRED OF ALL READERS THAT THEY REGISTER THEMSELVES. CURRENTLY, THIS REGISTRATION IS VOLUNTARY BUT IN THE NEAR FUTURE IT WILL LIKELY BE MANDATORY. LACK OF COMPLIANCE AT THIS POINT MAY RESULT IN A NEGATIVE DETERMINATION OF YOUR PATRIOTISM.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THE IP ADDRESS OF ALL READERS OF THIS FORUM HAVE BEEN CULLED AND ARE UNDER INVESTIGATION. IDENTITY SEARCHES ARE UNDERWAY AND LACK OF REGISTRATION MAY RESULT IN A PHYSICAL VISIT.
PLEASE SEND YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, SSN, EMPLOYER, INCOME, ETHNIC BACKGROUND AND REASON(S) FOR READING THIS FORUM TO:
UMOUR-REGISTRATION@NSA.GOV.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE TO THIS MATTER.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THE IP ADDRESS OF ALL READERS OF THIS FORUM HAVE BEEN CULLED AND ARE UNDER INVESTIGATION. IDENTITY SEARCHES ARE UNDERWAY AND LACK OF REGISTRATION MAY RESULT IN A PHYSICAL VISIT.
PLEASE SEND YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, SSN, EMPLOYER, INCOME, ETHNIC BACKGROUND AND REASON(S) FOR READING THIS FORUM TO:
UMOUR-REGISTRATION@NSA.GOV.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE TO THIS MATTER.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Umour Ritual Forum
Umour Ritual ForumToday 4/20/2006
It hit 82 degrees in mid-April a bad portent if you ask me (However good, the sun may feel, at this moment). It had just been 75 degrees in the middle of November/and was really not much of a winter. The snow total was pretty high but that was deceptive because it fell in three large storms; the rest of the winter being dry and generally above freezing. The relief I felt at not having to endure a horrible winter has to be tempered by the basic dread of another miserable hot summer. Such is the reality of living in 2006… “Ice Age the Melt-Down” is playing in theaters; prescient perhaps, but a bit over the top. The weather is one of these things that isn’t really a factor in one’s life… until it is… like your teeth. What we humans fail to realize is that we are delicate, fragile creatures. Think about it: ants can survive the equivalent of a 40 story fall; rats can live for weeks by drinking their own urine; roaches have made it through a nuclear blast. It’s all relative but let me tell you people that the perils of second hand smoke won’t seem so damn relavent when it’s 110 degrees in the shade. Of course, there’s always the money to be made investing in oceanfront property in Colorado. But I digress… It’s a gorgeous sunny day and I’m sitting on the lawn in Tompkins Square surrounded by attractive, well dressed, white people… Yuppies, students, brokers. I suspect that at 44, I may have lived to long.
2 facts I’ve learned in my life; so far:
1) Either be kind to other people or kill them – if you’re not nice and you don’t kill them, they may come after you.
2) Dogs are loyal and always glad to see you but they sniff eachothers shit and drink water from dirty puddles on the sidewalk.
It’s all most shocking, when you walk around the city on a beautiful day, the surplus of attractive, young people with very white teeth. I seem to remember being some what attractive myself once, about 20 years ago. What do you think these people are going to look like 20 years down the road? Gray hair, bad teeth, chronic halitosis… it always amazes me how humans can be optimistic when what actually faces us is the inevitable decay and death. It’s not going to “work out” for anyone in the end, it’s really not. And knowledge – either of yourself or of the worlds – really doesn’t give you any advantages. In fact, if happiness counts for anything, it seems to me that the key to life is to be self – absorbed and stupid. And despite what we have all come to believe, Schaeffer is, in fact, the one beer to have when you’re having more than one.
LoudmouthBill
It hit 82 degrees in mid-April a bad portent if you ask me (However good, the sun may feel, at this moment). It had just been 75 degrees in the middle of November/and was really not much of a winter. The snow total was pretty high but that was deceptive because it fell in three large storms; the rest of the winter being dry and generally above freezing. The relief I felt at not having to endure a horrible winter has to be tempered by the basic dread of another miserable hot summer. Such is the reality of living in 2006… “Ice Age the Melt-Down” is playing in theaters; prescient perhaps, but a bit over the top. The weather is one of these things that isn’t really a factor in one’s life… until it is… like your teeth. What we humans fail to realize is that we are delicate, fragile creatures. Think about it: ants can survive the equivalent of a 40 story fall; rats can live for weeks by drinking their own urine; roaches have made it through a nuclear blast. It’s all relative but let me tell you people that the perils of second hand smoke won’t seem so damn relavent when it’s 110 degrees in the shade. Of course, there’s always the money to be made investing in oceanfront property in Colorado. But I digress… It’s a gorgeous sunny day and I’m sitting on the lawn in Tompkins Square surrounded by attractive, well dressed, white people… Yuppies, students, brokers. I suspect that at 44, I may have lived to long.
2 facts I’ve learned in my life; so far:
1) Either be kind to other people or kill them – if you’re not nice and you don’t kill them, they may come after you.
2) Dogs are loyal and always glad to see you but they sniff eachothers shit and drink water from dirty puddles on the sidewalk.
It’s all most shocking, when you walk around the city on a beautiful day, the surplus of attractive, young people with very white teeth. I seem to remember being some what attractive myself once, about 20 years ago. What do you think these people are going to look like 20 years down the road? Gray hair, bad teeth, chronic halitosis… it always amazes me how humans can be optimistic when what actually faces us is the inevitable decay and death. It’s not going to “work out” for anyone in the end, it’s really not. And knowledge – either of yourself or of the worlds – really doesn’t give you any advantages. In fact, if happiness counts for anything, it seems to me that the key to life is to be self – absorbed and stupid. And despite what we have all come to believe, Schaeffer is, in fact, the one beer to have when you’re having more than one.
LoudmouthBill
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