Clubby The Seal

Self-referential semiotics...

A mottled green cloud intersects a black metal cone

Those Zany Umourites were recently packed into an accelerator and smashed into the Doppler Effectives. Click above to listen to some of the results.

How to Win a Hotdog Eating Contest

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring Fight

Spectators cheered as entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion

Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.
The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.
Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will "... take on anything; man, beast, or machine."
This campaign is believed to be what sparked the undisclosed fan to challenge the entire league to fight a lion; a challenge that Sihamoni readily accepted.
An African Lion (Panthera Leo) was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum.
The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.
The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back.
Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”
Unfortunately, he was wrong.

Augmented Rodent...

Augmented Rodent
Originally uploaded by The Magic Lantern.

...with nightvision goggles. Kinda levels the playing field when you think about it.

With a little help from animal rights activists, that "perfect steak" might become somewhat more elusive.

A Dangerous Dream

Had an odd dream last night.
I was working as a technical consultant or contractor at some job. The building was located in the 40s, west of sixth or seventh, in one of those older office buildings that house a mixture of design and consulting firms, as well as the occasional sweatshop (this is the Fashion district).

For some reason, someone on an internet list I belong to in real life sent me a little "joke"...it was a formula for making what I thought was a tiny explosive out of household chemicals. So I set about pouring blue cleaning fluids into plastic tubes, adding Ajax, wires, timer, a switch and a battery.

As I was putting it together Keanu Reeves (who worked at the firm but was nonetheless an actor) dropped by my office to ask me a question. He actually caught me at a bad moment because right before he arrived I realized that the sender of the recipe hadn't really imagined that I would actually use it...what I had was an amount of explosive that could easily take out the entire building. So I was getting a little panicky and told Keanu Reeves to hold on for a moment.

Right at that time two of the Umour Ritual Specialists (URS and Kanduco) dropped by to hang out, so I told introduced them to KR (who was named Dave Corbus in my dream, the name of a Jazz Guitarist friend of mine in college). I told KR/DC that these were my old friends and that they should talk until I was done. Oddly, my real brother's ex-wife was there all of a sudden as well.

Retreating into a back room I started hurriedly dumping out the fluids and carefully pulling wires, lest the thing go off. While doing this some of the fluids were spilling onto my shirt thereby increasing the hazard. In fact, when I looked at what I had done I could clearly see that had I added one more wire and completed the recipe, it would have gone off.

Dwing Dwong the Bitch is dead!

Umour Ritual Forum I read earlier today of the death of Andrea Dworkin and I`ve been smiling ever since. The cause was not specified but hopefully it was painful and humiliating. As a crusader against men in general and against pornography and sex in particular, she was one of the chief Kommandants of the No-Fun Police. Looking at her evil, beady little eyes peering out of those pendulous jowls one doesn`t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out why she had such a problem with sexuality and the nude body. I mean, who in the world would even think of (even truly kinky sickos) having sex with a creature so repulsive. The idea of that vile, bloated, moray eel-woman removing it`s clothes is enough to cure premature ejaculation in even the horniest male. Death to the hate-mongers, purile repressionists and reactionary prudes! The fact is, Bitch, that sex is a good thing (and good for you as well). So, now you`re dead and sex goes on. Hallelujah! Dear reader, please do me a favor... Take some time to go home today and make love with your partner/girlfriend/wife/husband/significant other... make them feel special and beautiful... watch some porno movies, or not- it is, still, your choice... and celebrate the fact that enjoying sex together is driving a nail in the coffin of that hateful, nut-busting bitch. Love is great! Hatred and censorship suck. Amen.
Loudmouth Bill
P.S. Lord, I don`t want to sound like an ingrate but since you`re doling-out favors, if it`s not too much trouble, could you possibly give Catherine MacKinnon some horrible inoperable tumor or maybe huge, festering sores or something else nasty... continual vaginal warts...I`ll leave it to your discretion. Thanks.

Rub NEW salt in your eyes...

There are three new photo essays in the “Rub Salt” menu. The first are images of the Sheela Na Gig. A word essay about these images is in production. The next new addition is titled “At The Rust Farm”. This series of photos will be expanded as more images are shot. The most recent item is called “Topical Aloe Ointment” and features some new “rollover” images with quotes from a book by Alan Watts.

A Little More Umour

Quietly we are modifying the Umour site and have added a couple of new pieces. The “Rub Salt…” link on the main menu page now brings you to a sub-menu page listing photo essays, whereas before it brought you strait into our first essay, now re-titled “The Great Remedy”. A new photo essay by Loudmouth Bill has been added, entitled “At The Gates”.

Additionally there is a new movie entitled “Vignettes” which features words by Loudmouth Bill, and images by Kol. Look for all three Umour Ritual Specialists in this thought provoking new audiovisual presentation.

More is sure to come.

Kinky Freidman: Next Governor of Texas?

DALLAS - Kinky Friedman, the best-selling author, country singer and friend of the stray dog, next week will officially toss his ten-gallon hat into the ring for the 2006 Texas governor’s race, his campaign said Tuesday.

It is said...

On this day 41 years ago the Earth slid through this section of space, vibrating plasmas and molecules which could be heard to whisper "Umour!"

The Loudmouth Rides Again

Greetings to all and happy (not so new) New Year. Well, it’s good to be back… back in the saddle again. No, I hadn’t dropped off the face of the earth or left the country (although, believe me, I’ve been tempted)…The Loudmouth has just been busy moving. Exiled further into suburban hell. One doesn’t have to be Nostradamus to foresee which direction this is going...A roof over mi head now-soon to be a doddering old fool, ambling about the estate with a weed-sticker for 25 cents a day and a nip of rum snuck behind the pantry door,but I digress. Yes, comfortable suburbia, where the edict is “conform or be absorbed by force”. Which reminds me of the only still-relevant commandment, “Thou Shalt Consume”. Wretched consumption is our national duty. Anything that might interfere with the urge to consume must be eradicated immediately, as a matter of National Security. Are we feeling a bit melancholy today?… somewhat introspective, perhaps?… Maybe we might be questioning the political motives of our leaders and this is causing us some moments of…UNEASE?!! Well, no worries, just grab yourself a great big handful of the latest designer mood enhancers and head right off to the mall to Buy, Buy, Buy. There, doesn’t that feel better? (sure, plenty of room for all that shit in your SUV). Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Monkey-boy… before you can say “What the F…” the Conformity Police will knock on your door and start shoving those Prozacs down your throat, aided by a swift kick from their Pay-less-shoe-source Himmler Boots. That’s Twenty-First century AMERIKA for you… the Empire of the Uber-Shrub. The Brain, I’m afraid, is destined to become a vestigial organ (this transition may have already occurred in large segments of the population, as was evidenced in the recent election, but more about that at another time). There I go, thinking again… and thinking is so last-millennium. Newthink-Amerika demands Happy, Peppy Consumers. And me, I ain’t happy… I’m only peppy after a couple of six-packs… and what I consume ain’t for sale at the mall. So where does that leave the Loudmouth???
Stay tuned… Same time …Same channel.

Big-ass Art

Gates Day 2, South of Great Lawn
Originally uploaded by The Magic Lantern.

OK, maybe one of them isn't art, but 7500 of 'em is art.

More...

...Loudmouth Bill. Certainly he has some appropriate words for yesterday's ceremonies. Supposedly the US is doing manuevers in Karachi in preparation for an invasion of Iran. I'm thinking it's just to give 'em a scare but you never know with these crazy fuckers.

More Kanduco. Wait, is 'more' the appropriate word here when he's never even posted?
Quit screwin' around Kane and let's see some zany Kanish posts.

Such is the order of things...

Such is the order of things that all things are ordered from disorder. Disorder is itself the source and the order of all things.

We see the universe as and ordered system because we are “wired” to perceive an ordered system. The true chaotic nature of the universe doesn't negate the possibility of structured systems, but it is from chaos and random chance from which these "ordered systems" are created, through intellect, by us.

The Divine Truth; that which we cannot see, that which we cannot be, that from which we came, is what ever the universe truly is. It is chaos. You observe the effects of chaos all around you if you look for it, but you cannot actually see it. You can even tune it in on your television (provided your television is capable of receiving aired broadcast and non-broadcast channels).

Chaos is the absence of order. We are ordered in such a way as to see order. But we came about through a series of random chance occurrences. So we are order from chaos. We are not the universe, we are merely its vehicle for perceiving some order in it.
The order we see is a perception. The truth and the source is the universe of chaos.

To embrace this is to see beyond good and bad, to live beyond desire. It is acceptance that what will be will be until it becomes something else.

He makes a good point...

Check this out. It's a grade-A wondrous rant that, like any good rant, borders on the hilarious.

http://www.fuckthesouth.com/

An open letter to Osama Bin Laden

Dear Bin,

Well, George "The Crusader" Bush is back for another 4 years. (Why would you ever doubt the stupidity of the American voter?) Of course this means four more years of war, more attacks on who knows which Arab countries (one dead towel-headed-sand-nigger is as good as another to the boys from Texas) and, I fear, this means you will be attacking us again as well. While I would certainly prefer that you don’t, if you really must, I ask you to please consider a target other than New York City. I know the Trade towers were a big splashy P.R. thing, but... Just consider these facts: 1) You’ve already done New York and no self respecting terrorist wants to be seen as endlessly living in the past; 2) New York is an ethnically diverse community where many Moslems live - if you really want to strike at the infidels that are defiling your holy-lands, you don’t want to fry your brethren in the process; 3) New Yorkers are an educated bunch that voted for John Kerry and generally despise George Bush. Why not focus instead on your true enemies: Bush, Chaney, Delay and the ignorant racist yahoos that support them; 4) Bush lives in Texas which by the way is a miserable, violent and thoroughly fundamental Christian ("read Crusader")state. Now I realize that nuking Crawford, Texas is not nearly as dramatic as New York or Chicago but just think how much the destruction of his ranch will make W boo hoo hoo (P.S. Word is he fucks his pigs regularly and I’m told he’s currently hot on one particular sow); 5) A strike at the midland of the U.S.A. would really unnerve racist red-necks who basically couldn’t give a shit if you blew up New York anyway. Think about it, they hate us almost as much as they hate you. So, in conclusion, if you are indeed planning to nuke or bomb or poison some part of the U.S. of A., please consider Texas - if Crawford is too small-potatoes for you, how about Dallas or Houston (Houston is, after all, the 4 th largest city in America in case you weren’t aware)...or maybe Florida (now there’s a cess-pool that needs terminating). I mean, if you want to hit the Cowboys where they live, they don’t live in New York City, believe me. Besides, I personally guarantee that if you nuke Texas all Europe will cheer for you and give you lots of money.


Sincerely yours,
LOUDMOUTH BILL

P.S. If I were you, I’d send some extra Mujahaddin over to Syria A.S.A.P.

Check this out.

A friend recently sent me this link and email. GodDAMN the Japanese come up with some far-out shit every now and then. I'm not convinced this would make any more sense in Japanese:

http://www.kino.com/bigscreen/

Go to this web page, click on link for "DEAD OR ALIVE: FINAL" on the left side of the screen list of films. Watch the trailer and tell me if you can figure out what the hell this movie could possibly be about?

Umor Mobile

Hey...got another idea that I think could be applied to the Umor mobile.

When the 'mobile hits an urban center, there should definitely be a high-powered cell-phone jammer on board. This will make it seem as if the UmorMobile's 'music' is actually responsible for the disruption in communications. In any event, "BE HERE NOW" will no longer sound like a mere suggestion, as the UmorMobile's real reality will replace the cellphone user's virtual one!

GET THE UMOUR MOBILE ROLLING NOW!!!!

UmourVision

PATENT DISCLOSURE

TITLE: "Method and Apparatus for UmourVision"

US Patent Application Serial Number: 10/709,703

ABSTRACT: Normal human vision glimpses only one small time-slice of the complete lifecycle of objects, lifeforms, etc. This results in the assumption that this brief representation is the true nature of the thing, whereas in reality that thing is a very brief collection of atoms and patterns that will soon disperse. With this invention the wearer of glasses or goggles that are equipped with "UmourVision" see imposed on the object viewed a representation of the complete lifecycle of the object, from birth to maturity to decay. This is accomplished by dual GPS locators in the goggles (A) that triangulate distances of RFID tags, WiFi hotspots, etc...(B) embedded in objects and under people's skin. A backend database (C) identifies the object and extrapolates from the visible timeslice the likely lifecycle of the event/object. (Of course, an "object" is merely a slow-moving event.) This view is then super-imposed upon the object so that the wearer can see the true nature of the object (UmourVision).

UmourVision technology also allows the user to select or create various windows (Hamming, Vonnegut, etc...) that apply weights/cutoffs to the lifecycle view. For instance, it is not always necessary or desirable to see the ultimate end of a lover, etc...It may also be desirable to give the "lifetime" of a tree, for instance, a higher weighting (in terms of the view) as opposed to it's time as a treestump or firewood.

DIAGRAM TO BE UPLOADED