Umour at Oktoberfest

Umour sees no evil at Oktoberfest.
Umour speaks no evil at Oktoberfest.
Umour hears no evil at Oktoberfest.
Umour drinks Spaten at Oktoberfest.

WARNING: Peanuts May Contain Peanuts

This Is A Public Service Announcement
Brought To You By umour.org


Marlow Honey Roasted Peanuts
Ingredients: Peanuts, Sugar, Honey, Butter and Salt.
MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF PEANUTS/NUTS




Shut up!

it's got what plants crave

Militia Of One: No Conspiracies

© Fear Now For The Future
the makers of Sphinct-o-Print
The Only REAL ID

E/UMOR Mini-Expedition: South of the Thames

A E/U-MOR expedition to the South Bank of the Thames River during low tide, including a visit to the Graffitti grotto.

The London Eye...


..and slightly to the right...


...the other direction:


The Graffitti Grotto:

Umour hard at work

Here we see the ritual specialists utilizing a patented UMOUR(TM) technique to extract and bottle the particularly potent dream fluid that is emitted during REM sleep.

Between Kane, Kol, and Loudmouth Bill drilling away, this E/UMOUR-ite was unable to continue sleeping due to the earsplitting racket and so moved into the studio in the deep hours of the night. (At first I mistook Loudmouth Bill's snoring for an alligator gargling industrial waste.)

Much more, I am sure, will emerge over coming days and weeks from the Ritual on the main UMOUR site, so keep posted.

Time For Some Campaignin'

Send a JibJab Sendables® eCard Today!

Rooting out terrorists before they strike!

WASHINGTON - The Justice Department is considering letting the FBI investigate Americans without any evidence of wrongdoing, relying instead on a terrorist profile that could single out Muslims, Arabs or other racial and ethnic groups.

Law enforcement officials say the proposed policy would help them do exactly what Congress demanded after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks: Root out terrorists before they strike.

Although President Bush has disavowed targeting suspects based on their race or ethnicity, the new rules would allow the FBI to consider those factors among a number of traits that could trigger a national security investigation.

As an upstanding citizen of UMOUR I whole heartedly agree with this approach. To date, law enforcement has itself been handcuffed by waiting for terrorists to act and actually perform an act of terror. This new set of laws will give US law enforcement the ability to move before something actually happens.

In fact, the only way to truly combat terror is to focus on what ultimately causes a person to become a terrorist in the first place: Radical Islamic sites, bomb making manuals, subversive literature, and even those cultural elements that would predispose someone to terrorism. Anyone accessing such materials needs to be treated as a terrorist before they can do any damage to you or me or our children (will somebody think of the children?).

In fact, let's just realize that anyone accessing the wrong kinds of information or is exposed to the wrong things will inevitably choose to perform terrorist acts, because why would they be accessing those materials anyway?

We can take it further, too. We know that in certain cultures, suicide bombing is acceptable. Thus, anyone from those cultures should be treated as a terrorist because they will have a high enough predisposition to performing a terrorist act that it is not useful splitting hairs about when and where they will commit it.

Is this racist? Absolutely not. Remember, we are not targeting races, but cultures. If those cultures tend to fall along racial lines, that's their problem. Let's round 'em up and stick 'em in a whole Gulag of Guantanamos which we should build posthaste on every isolated Island we control.

One more from You Tube

Truly a work of genius.

Another little jewel

Don't you just love Youtube?

The bicycle ride

Olga's House Of Shame

Meet Olga, a woman who "possessed a mind so warped she made sadism a full-time business!" In the first of the series, Olga uses pot parties and comic-book violence to turn Gigi Darlene and other female captives into her White Slaves of Chinatown. But Olga has her tender side too and, in the mood for romance, selects an occasional slave for a little loving: "The disease called Olga cannot be fought!"

Umour World Headquarters

First proposed site for the Umour World Headquarters, the former site of the European Health Spa on Central Avenue in Yonkers.

Extra TERROR alert

Clicking the title above will take you to a special NBC report concerning the latest TERROR threats.
New tapes from Al Qaeda indicate the distinct possibility of new, extremely frightening attacks of TERROR. This hightened sense of TERROR should be distinguished from previous levels of TERROR which were not on this magnitude. If you were ever previously vigilant, watchful, feeling anxious or a sense of TERROR, you should regard those feelings as preliminary and now proceed to even hightened levels of alert.
In other words, this is different, and different from the previous times where messages from Al Qaeda were described as different. Whatever you thought was frightening before, the truth is that NOW we have REAL TERROR, and you should adjust your emotions accordingly.
Remember that if you let your guard down for one minute, Al Qaeda could strike your own home town, your supermarket, your 7-11, even in your very home or bedroom.

Dead on my feet...

...a EU/MOR Easter greeting from the Vatican.

Click me

Clicking the title above will transmit a code in through your eyeballs, inducing a small psychic state wherein can be experienced the lastest sensory bounty from UMOUR.

Le Monde Renverse

The Bifurcating Man

Damn. This morning I found a letter next to my bed that’s without a doubt written in my own handwriting. The problem is, I have zero memory of having written it. So I either wrote it in my sleep or else I wrote it during a brief period of wakefulness which i now no longer remember. and while this might be a byproduct of the medication I’ve been taking, nothing I’ve heard ever indicated something like this could happen. taken at face value, it’s fairly disturbing, but right now i think it’s probably some clever story i made up in the middle of the night. And whether it’s just something creative i dreamt up is one thing, but the fact that I feel like i got no sleep at all is another. it certainly feels like I’ve been busy at night.

Anyway, here’s what I found:

Something’s gone wrong with the medication, of that there can be no doubt. But I’m not quite sure what to do about it. Actually, I’m not even sure if I want to do anything about it. of course, Felisplit was designed precisely for working folks who wanted a little extra time during the sleeping hours, allowing the part of you that needs the sleep to get the necessary REM sleep but another part of you to remain awake and free to do some low-level activities like reading or watching a movie, or perhaps some emailing or blogging. And as far as I could tell it was working fine for a while: I’d wake up having emailed friends and family, done some bills and caught up on some reading. I think I actually watched a DVD or two. On the other hand, I feel drained and tired, like I haven’t slept much. come to think of it, even with the Felisplit, the activities are supposed to be pretty low-level, and you do need to get some rest and small amounts of sleep even while taking it. More importantly, however, yesterday I found a letter to myself, clearly written in my own hand. Although I can’t be sure, it would seem that my Felislpit self may have started taking Felisplit so that i may be double-dosing, or possibly worse. Here’s what the letter said:

Well, i do like this Felisplit stuff. Technically, I guess, I’d normally be asleep right now, and you could almost say I am asleep because i won’t have a direct memory of having done any of this when I wake up.

and you know what? I kind of like that idea…I feel like I’m free to be someone I’m not normally. as I write this i’m imagining myself sleeping in that bed: my eyes are closed and I’m tucked under the covers. What do I think of you, my waking self? You’re alright, I guess. Well, maybe a little cowardly, a little pre-occupied with yourself.

come to think of it, you are one stupid little cowardly fuck, doing all the stuff you’re supposed to do, being a good little boy and obeying all the rules. Well, most of them anyhow. but those rules are designed to keep you down, keep you in, keep you asleep. WAKE UP YOU STUPID FAGGOT! WAKE UP YOUR LIFE IS BLEEDING OUT OF YOU!

Shit, I’m feeling tired. Looks like the Felisplit is running out of steam. but I’m not ready to be you yet. In fact, I won’t if I can possibly help it. Where’s that goddam prescription…

Inside every man is the uber-man. He’s trapped and suffocating and all you have to do is let him out. But to let him out you will have to be ruthless and let nothing stand in your way. That fucking asshole at work who keeps getting in your way? When no one’s looking just punch him in the fucking face and completely deny it, or maybe kill him if you get him alone. And that stupid cowardly little choir boy sleeping there on the bed like some fucking cat or sloth? He’s got to go. You’ve got find some way to get him out of the picture. You’ve hidden away your rage but that rage was what got us out of the fucking caves and into the viking boats and created the steam engine and the gatling gun and electricity and the atomic bomb. We keep trying to cover over all of that with goddam society but it’s just skin growing over a deep wound that hasn’t healed: you gotta peal away that skin and let the wound open and bleed.

this Felisplit stuff has been the thing to finally free me to my full potential and I swear I’m going to do all I can to stay in charge, because im the only one in here who seems to really know the score, or is at least willing to admit it. in fact, I’m going to go down to the roughest-looking bar in the toughest section of town and find someone to beat the shit out of that little pussy parasitic host and then while he’s recuperating in the hospital I’m going to take a handful of Felisplit and it won’t be him who walks outta there, let me tell you in fact I’m

it rambles on like that for a while. Should i be worried, or is it just some clever little fiction i cooked up? Looking at me I’m fine, so apparently he (I) never did go out and get myself beat up, so maybe i shouldn’t take it so seriously. And I do get a lot more done on the Felisplit.

Christopher Walken mask

I've always thought that Christopher Walken's continuing success is one small redeeming indication that Hollywood ain't all bad. Click the post's title and you too can experience the magic.

UMOUR ARE GO!

Faith Balm

Believe in God instantly.

E/UMOR checking in...

...from Brussels.

Halliburton Survivaball

For the well-heeled executive.

Shock Doctrine

Backstreets of Guilin

An E/UMOUR special...note the prototype UMOUR invisibility blotter was swallowed by the film-er, allowing him to go unnoticed despite caucasian features.
Shot in Guilin China, mid-August, on a steamy Sunday night.

City of Ghosts

The City of Ghosts is a temple complex sitting atop a narrow, upward-sloping hill like a knifeblade on the banks of the Yangtze river a few dozen miles down from Chongqing (aka "Chungking" in the old british romanization system).

Although the earliest strata of the complex apparently go back to Han dynasty times some 2000 years ago, various pieces have been added as the complex morphed from some kind of Taoist temple into the neo-Confucianist embodiment of the afterlife that it is now. In this vision, the souls of all humanity travel to the city of ghosts for processing.

Things start off innocously enough: Pagoda-like structures combine with carved stone features to yield some typical Chinese architectural beauty:

There are cute little tests that tourists take to determine the truthfulness of their souls, etc...:

And then you start hitting the dieties which, for some reason, don't seem all that happy:

Architectural gremlins, along with a changed color scheme, let you know that you're entering a somewhat less pleasant zone:


And a careful examination of the stone bas reliefs gives you an indication of what's coming:


Angrier deities...

and the temple color scheme goes blue, indicative of the less pleasant parts of the underworld:

The dieties up here are less than comforting...


And now for a veritable Coney Island of punishments meted out to corrupt souls:



Overseeing all of this are the bureaucrats of the afterlife...

Is Your Printer Spying On You?

Did you know that many (in fact, most) color laser printers are spying on you whenever you print a document? Though you may not have heard the news, the discovery was announced in late 2005. Manufacturers embed a pattern of tiny yellow dots on printed pages. The dots are too small to be seen with the naked eye (especially since they're yellow), but under a microscope and blue light they're revealed. The dots are placed in a pattern unique to each printer, and since most color laser printers are purchased through well-documented service providers or direct from the manufacturer, it's simple to track any printed page back to the owner of the printer.

The original idea was obviously to help the government track down currency counterfeiters, since any phony money would be tagged with the yellow dots and would be easily trackable back to the source. But there are also signs of abuse, with the FBI reportedly using the technology to keep tabs on who's printing material for groups like the ACLU and Greenpeace. That's a little scary... and important to remember if you've considering printing a whistleblowing tip or any missive you'd prefer to leave anonymous on a color laser.

If the privacy ramifications of this news bother you, there's some good news. Not all printers have the tracking dots, and the EFF has compiled and updated its list of which ones do and which ones don't. However, as the document notes, remember that even if a printer doesn't include the dots, that doesn't mean it isn't using some other method to track your printed pages. If your printer isn't listed, that means that no information is available about whether that printer includes the dots or not.

-By christopher Null

7/11 11:11

On 11:11

"ELEVEN IS THE NUMBER OF LIGHT When the forces of Eleven become fully activated on earth, they have the power to change history in the making. Within the number and sequences of Eleven (29, 47, 38, 92, 83, 74, 56, 65) lives all answers and questions. Eleven teaches us every problem is a divine opportunity to learn. It shows us how to see beyond what is everyday and boring. It tries and tests our faith and our belief. It forces us to listen to that small still quiet voice within the silent witness. It reminds us we are not victims but victors and are all vast beings who have come to earth to help with the ascension process starting with ourselves. It asks you to finally locate the light within and share it with all. Eleven is our Best Friend and Teacher

11:11 is a number activation sequence. Each time that you see 11,111 or 1111 on a clock it represents that you are being given an opportunity to walk into a Gateway of Manifestation. The universe has just taken a snapshot of your thoughts, which are then manifesting physically in record speed. The time period from November 11, to January 11 is considered to be the HOLY TRINITYmonths the 23 faces of Eve and Atom. All in All it is a divine decree and opportunity issued to all of earth to Wake-up, and become your true light. Eleven is also the number of masters. 11:11 is an encoded molecular structure of Remembrance, activating the Master of Light we have always been. This is the Biological Ascension, and 11:11 is the Ascension Doorway. The Light of Ascension comes in many forms and on many levels. It comes not always in one day, or one moment. For we Ascend and descend continually word by word, thought by thought. Ascension is birthed from every breath, every thought, every word,every day.

Memorial Day

It was a solemn ceremony. Mourners dressed in military uniforms interspersed with civilians dressed in black were gathered around the large rectangular ditch approximately half the size of a basketball court. Speeches were made at a podium dressed in the American flag; tears were shed, guns were fired and a lone trumpet played. The sky was fittingly overcast, a cold drizzle made it seem as if nature herself shared the sorrow on this day and during this tribute to the fallen.

And then the bulldozers came, scoops held proudly upwards towards the sky. The scoops were laden with the 3,454 bodies of the fallen in Iraq and draped with American flags so that the individual bodies could not be seen. And then, in turn, each bulldozer dumped its load into the large ditch as Taps was played on the trumpet. As the scoop tilted, the first few body bags rolled out and down, some hitting the edge of the scoop and tumbling out, but then followed by the larger almost fluid mass of bodies behind. A collared clergyman stood at the edge of the ditch, making the sign of the cross with his hands.

After the last of the bulldozers had dumped its load into the ditch, the 3,545 gray body bags now formed a large pile as the clergymen began their ceremony. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" could be heard between gusts of wind while a single scoop pushed dirt onto the pile, its warning beep sounding as it repeatedly backed up to get more dirt.

After the pile was buried and the mound tamped down by the bulldozer, as the mourners filed out some tossed bouquets onto the giant mound, other stood and said quiet goodbyes. And as the last mourners filed out the bulldozers turned and also drove away in single file.

Let's Write A Song...

To all Ritual Specialists, and any interested readers:

Lets write a song! We hope to complete our Modern Psychedellic album ( titled "More Pink Pigs Head") with a collabrative effort that will feature a long "splurge-like" jam as acompaniment for sound-bites and spoken words which harken back to the Vietnam era and it's parallels with today's folly in Iraq.

Here's the plan:

Write a line or two, using "psychedellic imagery" to discribe your thoughts, opinions and/or impressions about the war in Iraq, the Bush administration, global warming, or any other current world events. Use metaphore and symbolism to convey your ideas in a psychedellic way while making sure to be clear that this is 2007, not 1968. Drawing paralells will be a major plus, as that is the concept for the song.

After we have assembled some "lyrics" from you all, as well as some "sound bites" of both historic and current events we'll assemble a "sound montage" and then gather the crew to record a musical accompanyment.

Thanks and good luck!

Call 'em what you like, but they ain't terrorists

Call them murderers, call them combatants, call them the enemy, call them Islamic radicals, but they're not terrorists. A terrorist is someone who tries to unnerve a civilian population and undermine its faith in government.

Killing soldiers is merely another act of war, there is no better definition.

A nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there

A Eu-mor expedition to a glacier was undertaken last week, in conjunction with some efforts that UMOR is organizing with regards to Global Warming. More information coming soon.

Note the absence of living creatures: No creature would willingly tolerate such conditions.

E/UMOR is analyzing the harsh conditions endured by some of nature's creatures as a byproduct of Darwin's terrible inventions of evolution and adaption:

E/umorite EM can officially report being shocked by conditions on the glacier and can only imagine what has to be endured to live in such places.

Dogpoop bag sign

Geneva, Switzerland.

Damn those Swiss dogs are smart: Not only can they read French, they've apparently learned to hold their own dogpoop bags in the absence of thumbs.

uMor has it...

...rumour has it there are a new batch of UmourSounds up on the main Umour site, which one might hear if one is sufficientlly curious.

Strike One!

Let's call this a foul ball. Mind the collateral damage, boys.

New Radiation Symbol

You gotta love this one. No, it's real.

Go get your own war, we saw it first

Doesn't Iran understand? It's not where a war is located that's important, it's who calls it first that matters. Why are they trying to muscle in on our war? I mean it's not like they have the inventory of countless defense contractors to burn off. Look, if they have domestic issues they want to solve there's plenty of other countries they can pick a fight with. Why do they have to be such copycats and stick their hand in our pie?
OK, let's make a deal. Whe we're done with Afghanistan Iran can throw their own war there after we hightail it. And don't worry, those Afghans have plenty of fight left in 'em: It won't just be "sloppy seconds".

Permission Granted

As a reader of the Umour Ritual Forum, you are hereby given permission to bitch-slap anyone who uses the Energizer Bunny in conversation anymore. For intance, if they refer to a hard-working person as 'just like the energizer bunny, they keep going and going', that's when you have the right to slap them straight across the lips.

If you wish, print out this page and cut out this post, and hand it to the slap-ee after the reproof.

You'll be glad you did.

Thank you.
EU-MOR

Greetings from Camden

The Forbidden Zone

How could we have possibly overlooked this for all of these years?!?!? Order the full movie at www.forbiddenzonethemovie.com

Henry Rollins...

...what's he saying? I wish he didn't beat around the bush so much...

Kill Peeks

What If...

What if, when you die, you experience every moment of your life, in exact detail, all at once, forever. Would it be heaven?

Scully's Religious Experience

Danger of Death

Danger of Death
Originally uploaded by The Magic Lantern.

Does this give you any ideas?

Mussolini

Go to hell

Coming Back from Extinction

Once again, God has put the liberal naysayers to shame. Those that claim that our God-given duty to subdue the earth stops just because the calender says its 2006 can cease their fear-mongering and environmental bellyaching, as it's clear that God can recreate any species he chooses, even species that hippie tree-huggers (and their ideological hitmen known as 'scientists') have declared "extinct".

As proof, consider the Ivory-billed Woodpecker. This species was completely gone from the woods of Arkansas and anywhere else in the world. This species was made "extinct" precisely because we God-fearing lovers of progress had conquered and subdued those portions of the earth where this woodpecker eaked out its miserable existence. But just likee God made Adam and Eve and all the animals on the earth, God can recreate any species he wishes, at any time, andd the reappearence of the Ivory-billed woodpecker proves it.

Let's not listen, then, to those who would try to scare us with their talk of global warming and extinction of species. If an woodpecker or owl is not strong enough to survive what is our rightful detiny, then it's God's will for that speces to dissappear for a time. If conditions become right once again, God can recreate that species should He choose. Let us therefore continue to expand and generate new wealth, for truly this is God's blessing upon us for obeying His commands.

Amen.

NEXT EVENT/NON-EVENT EVENT:

Saturday, June 24, 2006

An afternoon of post apocalyptic music and art for a world without power.

Saturday, June 24, 2006 3:00 PM At The Barn, in Cold Spring, NY
email us for reservations and directions. Donations accepted.

email: ritual_specialist@umour.org

Power to the People

Power to the People
Originally uploaded by _mpd_.

We Want DRUGS, Goddammit!

OK, this is getting ridiculous.

I can only get one box of Claritin at a time, because kids can supposedly take several boxes of the stuff and make crystal meth or something out of 'em. Now I can get all the Claritin I need if I'm willing to stand on line more than once.

So does anyone think this is really slowing anyone down? And look, they're just seeking a high, seeking an escape from the shitty dog-eat-dog society we've all created. I want to escape too, OK? Is that so wrong? Even if so, fuck off: I'm an adult.

OK, here's the simple and obvious solution. It's a complete win-win for everybody.

I call upon the pharmaceutical companies to make us a recreational drug that will be acceptable to society and the law as well. It should have the following characteristics:

1. The high lasts 20 to 40 minutes.
2. The high should be mildly hallucenogenic.
3. The high should make communication and social interaction fun.
4. The high should not have any negative impact on liver or other body parts.
5. The drug should only be addictive to the kinds of people that would get addicted to something or other anyway. ie, there should be no true physiological dependency.
6. It should be liquid and squirtable into drinks.
7. It should cost approximately $5 to $7 bucks a trip.
8. Multiple doses should increase the drug's effect, but it should saturate. In other words, it should be inherently possible for the drug to make it impossible for you to walk or kind of communicate. And in any event, the duration should still be limited to about 40 or perhaps 60 minutes.

OK, this should be simple enough. A safe, fun drug that we can all enjoy and that the pharmaceutical companies could make tons of $$$ selling us.

Anyone who is against even the idea of creating an acceptable recreational drug is a fascist: They want to regulate mental states, even those that harm no one.

KABOOM!

The President of Iran is asking for direct talks with W.
Always do the right thing, President Ahmadinejad.

UMOUR FORUM READER REGISTRATION

THIS NOTICE IS FOR ALL READERS OF THE UMOUR RITUAL FORUM. THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT HAS DETERMINED THAT THE MATERIAL HEREIN IS POTENTIALLY TREASONOUS AND LEADING TO TERRORIST THOUGHTS AND INTENTIONS. IT IS THEREFORE REQUIRED OF ALL READERS THAT THEY REGISTER THEMSELVES. CURRENTLY, THIS REGISTRATION IS VOLUNTARY BUT IN THE NEAR FUTURE IT WILL LIKELY BE MANDATORY. LACK OF COMPLIANCE AT THIS POINT MAY RESULT IN A NEGATIVE DETERMINATION OF YOUR PATRIOTISM.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THE IP ADDRESS OF ALL READERS OF THIS FORUM HAVE BEEN CULLED AND ARE UNDER INVESTIGATION. IDENTITY SEARCHES ARE UNDERWAY AND LACK OF REGISTRATION MAY RESULT IN A PHYSICAL VISIT.

PLEASE SEND YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, SSN, EMPLOYER, INCOME, ETHNIC BACKGROUND AND REASON(S) FOR READING THIS FORUM TO:

UMOUR-REGISTRATION@NSA.GOV.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE TO THIS MATTER.

Umour Ritual Forum

Umour Ritual ForumToday 4/20/2006

It hit 82 degrees in mid-April a bad portent if you ask me (However good, the sun may feel, at this moment). It had just been 75 degrees in the middle of November/and was really not much of a winter. The snow total was pretty high but that was deceptive because it fell in three large storms; the rest of the winter being dry and generally above freezing. The relief I felt at not having to endure a horrible winter has to be tempered by the basic dread of another miserable hot summer. Such is the reality of living in 2006… “Ice Age the Melt-Down” is playing in theaters; prescient perhaps, but a bit over the top. The weather is one of these things that isn’t really a factor in one’s life… until it is… like your teeth. What we humans fail to realize is that we are delicate, fragile creatures. Think about it: ants can survive the equivalent of a 40 story fall; rats can live for weeks by drinking their own urine; roaches have made it through a nuclear blast. It’s all relative but let me tell you people that the perils of second hand smoke won’t seem so damn relavent when it’s 110 degrees in the shade. Of course, there’s always the money to be made investing in oceanfront property in Colorado. But I digress… It’s a gorgeous sunny day and I’m sitting on the lawn in Tompkins Square surrounded by attractive, well dressed, white people… Yuppies, students, brokers. I suspect that at 44, I may have lived to long.

2 facts I’ve learned in my life; so far:

1) Either be kind to other people or kill them – if you’re not nice and you don’t kill them, they may come after you.

2) Dogs are loyal and always glad to see you but they sniff eachothers shit and drink water from dirty puddles on the sidewalk.

It’s all most shocking, when you walk around the city on a beautiful day, the surplus of attractive, young people with very white teeth. I seem to remember being some what attractive myself once, about 20 years ago. What do you think these people are going to look like 20 years down the road? Gray hair, bad teeth, chronic halitosis… it always amazes me how humans can be optimistic when what actually faces us is the inevitable decay and death. It’s not going to “work out” for anyone in the end, it’s really not. And knowledge – either of yourself or of the worlds – really doesn’t give you any advantages. In fact, if happiness counts for anything, it seems to me that the key to life is to be self – absorbed and stupid. And despite what we have all come to believe, Schaeffer is, in fact, the one beer to have when you’re having more than one.
LoudmouthBill

Umour Live at Lane Gate

Kane, Kol and Loudmouth Bill decended upon Lance's abode, in his absence, to record some new music. The recording lasts about 28 minutes and is comprised of 6 songs which were spontainiously performed on toy instruments including the Mattel Magical Musical Thing, Mattel Bee Gees Rythm Machine, Remco Sound FX Machine, Casio CZ-1 and Univox Rhythmer.

Click the link above to view the music video for a track titled "Personal Cleanliness".

Mind Your head

Mind Your head
Originally uploaded by The Magic Lantern.

Umour Island

It seems the City is accepting RFP proposals for what to do with Governer's Island, now that the Federal Government has given it to the city (follow the title link to the application).

Might I humbly suggest that the collective resources of UMOUR are best equipped to determine precisely what to do with Governer's Island?

Certainly, Loudmouth Bill can come up with the germ of an idea that UMOUR can collectively work on and submit as an official RFP to the City as an official (and hopefully permanent) UMOUR Event.

Some of the more obvious possibilities are as follows:
1. Do nothing. Prohibit any mass conveyance from reaching the Island. Canoes, however, are acceptable.
2. Do almost nothing...import Llamas and other animals and allow Umour Island to become something like a vast urban terrarium.
3. Create a sort of Guantanamo on Umour Island, but where we'll deposit (and keep an eye on) Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and others.

Alright, these are Lame. What should we do with Umour Island?

Oh, and in case it's not obvious I don't consider it highly likely that the city will actually adopt the UMOUR Plan for Governer's Island. But imagine how fun it will be forcing City Officials to review a UMOUR Proposal, complete with seething implications and political overtones. If there are pictures, etc..., they would be forced to be exposed to UMOUR Ideas as part of their job!

Mistaken Rapture Kills Arkansas Woman

ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little  Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye-witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the  woman, who was apparently convinced the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.   "She started screaming `He's back!  He's back!' and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. "She thought the rapture was happening and was
convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky!" he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium, which then floated up into the sky.  Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him.   "I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me," the widower said when asked why his wife would do such a thing. When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied, "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."

Umouritis

It started off slowly. So slowly, in fact, that by the time I recognized it, it had already been happening for a long time. maybe 6 months or more.

I think it started with technology. Information technology, to be specific: Garbled voices on the conference line, ID badge-readers that need several tries before the green light, software that is just a little buggy around the edges...nothing crash-and-burn, mind you. just a subtle deterioration around the edges, of a kind that maybe soon they'll send somebody to come look at but it's no emergency. A general technological malaise and deterioration: Blame it on Gates and his bloatware. In the office I say: "Does anyone notice that all of the info-stuff seems to be deteriorating?" They look at me like I'm crazy but I can see the look in some of their eyes: They've noticed it too but they're scared to say anything for fear of sounding nuts.

But then it started creeping out into the physical. First, TV and radio started getting a little fuzzy/noisy around the edges, but that quickly expanded out into physical reality. The screech of breaking subway wheels is no longer sharp but almost a burst of patterned static; edges and shapes are now blurry at the edges; cars still function but somehow they seem to only just barely manage; and now the world appears as if through a rainy window: everything's blurry and gray and everyone is walking around drained of life and energy. The deterioration has gotten them, too.

But no one is saying anything. Why is no one saying anything? Everything is corroding, from the inside out, just barely hanging on to its outward form as if through habit, a perfunctory kowtowing to the need to be something. It's almost as if reality got tired of being reality; it decided to quit. We, too, are tired of the game and also too tired to go chasing it and begging it to return to continue playing the game for just a little longer.

As for me I am resigned to it, almost welcome it now. In fact, I can barely remember when things were normal. In fact, thinking back on before the deterioration, this sliding back into this primordial whatever, all of that seems unreal to me now, like some 1950s Normal Rockwell painting or commercial for Ginger-puffs.

Bring it on. I'm ready. We've had the sistole, the inbreath, now it's time for the diastole, the exhalation and relaxation. I'm ready for UMOUR.

The Republic

Umour Ritual Forum_“a wiretap requires a court order…When we’re talking about chasing down terrorists, we’re talking about getting a court order before we do so.” George W. Bush, April 2004


Well, now we ALL know that he was lying… even the lying fascist liars know that he was lying… was lying, is lying… lies, lies, lies…LIES rhymes with SPIES! Didya hear Attorney General Alberto Gonzales’ justification for the administration blatantly violating the above pledge? It amounts to the absurd assertion that Congress, when it authorized Georgie to defend the country from “terrorism”, gave him carte blanche to subvert the constitution. These criminals keep justifying their abuses on the grounds that the President has extraordinary powers because, since 9/11, we are a nation at war. We are at war against “worldwide terrorism”. So… how is this “war” supposed to END? I mean, how are we supposed to know when the war is over?.. when there’s no more “TERROR” in the world?!! That’s like saying we’re waging a war on “sadness”. When we manage to kill or capture or convert every terrorist on earth?.. now, and for all time?
Sooooo…..this “war” will NEVER end and thus, any “special” powers claimed by the President are assumed to be permanent. There, BANG!…The Republic is nullified. It’s really no different from Bush declaring Marshall Law for the “duration of the crisis”, the beloved excuse of every cheap, petty, banana-republic dictator generalissimo. Gonzales claims that critics of the administration and journalists have overemphasized “the potential breadth of what the President has actually authorized.” Really? How the hell do we the people know what extent of spying this fascist has or will authorize. If it was all legal, why didn’t they get those warrants, like they promised? Now they want Google to give them our internet surfing records to protect us from bad pornography… hmm… Bank, library records…You know, what I’m seeing from the Bushie Boys is making me really rethink the Second Amendment. Threats to National Security can come from within as well as without. I think I see what the Founding Fathers had in mind.
Loudmouthbill

Truce Accepted!

Here's the basic substance of bin Laden's truce-deal:

In response to the substance of the polls in the US, which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their land, we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to.

"We are a nation that Allah banned from lying and stabbing others in the back, hence both parties of the truce will enjoy stability and security to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which were destroyed by war.

"In response to the substance of the polls in the US, which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims ... we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to" Bin Laden

"There is no problem in this solution, but it will prevent hundreds of billions from going to influential people and war lords in America - those who supported Bush's electoral campaign - and from this, we can understand Bush and his gang's insistence on continuing the war."

Dear Mr bin Laden:

On behalf of myself and lots of other Americans, I ACCEPT the terms of this truce. Neither I nor my family members nor all the other millions of Americans bound by this truce will go to or send our children to the middle east to fight. You've got my word.

On the other hand, please keep in mind that the guy in the Oval office isn't exactly doing what we tell him to these days. He's just about literally a loose cannon. But don't mistake him for America, just like we won't judge the Arab world by Saddam Hussein.

If I don't hear from you I'll assume this is a done deal.

Sincerely,
Em.

What would YOU do?

OK. What would you do?

There's a crazy country that's been monkeying with your country's internal affairs for many many decades, sending in agents to destabilize your government and otherwise subvert your country for it's own ends. After a while, your country finally pushes out any agents or other creepy-crawly operatives. Of course, you had to resort to drastic measures, but at least your country's destiny is in its own hands.

Ah but now that country has invaded your neighbor to the northeast. It's spouting all sorts of rhetoric about your country and its activities, labeling it part of the "axis of evil". OK, fine. Maybe there was some reason to do it and meanwhile they got rid of a completely pesky influence on the region and world. And not very stable, either. You can live with that, but having that old enemy at your back door isn't giving you a warm and fuzzy.

Ah, but now they cook up some crazy reason to invade your other big neighbor to the South. And boy are they making a mess down there! And they're still spouting all sorts of rhetoric even though your country hasn't invaded anyone.

And did I mention there's lot of oil under your country?

Did I also mention that the big bully nation happens to eat a lot of oil?

So now you're surrounded on both sides by a country that has done nothing over the years but meddle with your internal politics and that country has overwhelming superiority in conventional weapons.

What would you do? It's obvious, isn't it?

Apathy...

You know what I've realized?

I've realized that I just don't give a shit any longer.

Consider the record of surprises related to this administration: Valerie Plame, our Eastern European Torture Gulag, The Al-Jazeera Memo, and now the absurdly illegal systematic spying on US citizens. Oh, and that's just the war stuff. There's also the opening of Alaskan wildlands to oil drilling, the fucked-up way we're handling Iran, Katrina and on and on and on.

And that's just Mr Bush. That's just right now.

What I find is that I feel that anything relating to politics at the Federal level and DC are just too broken to fix. And also, no one else cares enough to really give a crap, and if they did there'd be a mob burning down the Whitehouse as we speak.

Looking at this, true or not, I feel no rage anymore. I feel no desire to fix it, no desire to fight or reform. Right or wrong, "fixing" it, or trying, seems pointless. Demonstrations? That's like using electrical paddles to try to restart the heart of a 500 pound man who's been dead for days.

The State Of The Union

Why in the world is anyone genuinely surprised that the Bush administration was illegally spying on Americans? Did anyone really think these bastards weren’t getting all KGB on your ass? Let me remind you: they lied the country into a fucking war. What exactly does anyone think they’re “not capable of”? But don’t think I’m smiling at the latest revelations. I fear there are dark days ahead. Believe me, I love to see the Bushie-boys squirm but the distressing fact is that if they really start to feel the heat, we can expect another “incident”. This is a greedy, amoral bunch of cutthroats with delusions of grandeur. They are “capable” of unimaginable atrocities. Buckle-up.

We need a new approach

From the link above it should be obvious that Satan is winning the war for the biology classroom, as the Pennsylvania courts have now officially ruled against intelligent design. So today they are teaching our children that their grandfathers were monkeys. Next they'll be teaching that our monkey ancestors worshipped Satan.

What we need is a new approach. If we can't beat Satan in the biology classroom, let's beat him in the others:

1. In English. Let's remove all those words Satan introduced into our language after the King James Bible. Let's ensure that "thee", "thine", "hither" "thither" and other Godly vocabulary and grammatical structures are taught instead of their new false versions that come from the pits of hell.

2. In electronics and technology. Since we know that the whole world is held together by God, we need to teach this in physics, astronomy and chemistry. Clearly, it is God's Word through the holy spirit that holds atoms together, not any Satanic forces of fire or electromagnetism. Likewise, Carbon 14 nuclei decay because has withdrawn his favor, not because of any process that has nothing to do with God. Carbon 14 radioactivity has increased since the fall and Adam and Eve's sin, which is why the deluded scientists of the world believe that the earth is 5 billion years old.

3. First Aid. We know that nothing that occurs in this world occurs without God. Therefore, the first response to any accident should be prayer and study of the Bible. If someone is choking it does not matter that the food is lodged in their windpipe. What matters is that God is pleased. First responders should be taught to repeat the ten commandments and the Lord's prayer before any attempt at ressuccitation is made.

Together, if we put God first in the classroom in all areas then our children will understand the truth of His word. Let's work together to abolish all lies and falsehood that the devil would teach our children.

911

December 2005; Is there anybody out there who still believes that the Bush administration wasn’t, in some way, behind Sept. 11, 2001? Anybody?!! Didn’t think so… I mean just look at how they’ve used it and what they’ve used it for … and how ready they all were to switch gears. Believe me, I’m not one who accepts every wacko conspiracy theory. It’s hard to get around the fact that a plot of that size, possibly involving several countries, would be exceedingly difficult to pull off; and this isn’t the most competent administration ever to occupy the White House. It really does seem to be wishful thinking to assume convenient conspiracies lurking around every corner. However, I think it is just as naïve to fail to consider that they ever may exist. History shows us that there have been conspiracies, huge conspiracies, from time to time. Some conspiracies have been proven to involve collusion from several countries or national leaders. History teaches us that if the stakes are high enough, anything is possible. In this particular case, the stakes were thick and juicy indeed. Without 9/11: there would have been no invasion of Iraq… no hundreds of billions in fat military contracts (all going, of course, to supporters of the administration)… no controlling one of the world’s largest supplies of oil… no additional rip-off of public funds (going, again, to the administration’s corporate sponsors) for Iraqi “reconstruction”… no public-funds gift-to-the-wealthy (or, at least, not the second one)…no draconian, anti-democratic, police-state security measures… and probably, no reelection for four more years of plunder. Folks, when you consider the callous ways that they’ve used the tragic events of 9/11/01 to further their own agenda, you come up with only two possibilities; either Bush and his boys are the luckiest sons-of-bitches in history or that they made their own luck. Now my mama didn’t raise no fool and one thing I know is; if you want to find the RAT, just follow the CHEESE. In this case there’s a big, stinky pile of ripe toe-cheese sitting right in the Oval Orifice. So, you want a “plausible” scenario?… lemme paint you a picture:
Georgie and Papa HW and Uncle Dick and Rummie and some other pals were sitting around just shooting the shit one day when they got a brilliant idea. So they called up some old buddies in the family Saud. They said “We’re gonna run junior in 2000 and when he gets, er…”elected” there’s a great opportunity for a lot of us to make a whole shitload of money. We know the ways and we’re already cookin’ up some juicy means. Problem is, to implement these plans we need an… event, a big, splashy EVENT. That’s where you boys come in. To prevent any rivets from comin’ loose on the bass-boat, we don’t want to know any particulars… just the nuts-and-bolts: when, where, etc… maybe not even that much… so as we can act surprised and react with proper, righteous indignation after the fact. I mean, it’s gotta be a surprise, boys. Georgie ain’t no Ronald Reagan, if you know what I mean. If you need some ideas or logistical planning, we suggest that you talk to our buddies over in the Mossad, they’re particularly good at that sort of thing. Remember, we’re counting on you boys, so don’t fuck this one up… your seats on the gravy-train depend on it,”… or something to that effect. More plausible, at least, then the pablum we’re being offered.
Loudmouth Bill

Red White and Blue Winter Holiday Song

(Sing roughly to the tune of “White Christmas”)

“I’m dreaming of a politically correct, thoroughly generic, non-denominational, winter holiday….
Not to offend a single soul.
To the liberals, moderates and conservative right,
May all your winter holidays be every color of the rainbow”.

Dubya

Umour Ritual ForumSo Clinton got a Blowjob and lied about it… big fucking deal… and got Impeached. Bush lied us into a goddamn War- what’s worse?!! For four years the Right held-up the business of the United States by ceaselessly attacking Clinton over nothing. Now if Bush critics try to hold him accountable for the truly treasonous acts which are being committed daily during his reign (like lying us into a war, for instance ) we’re attacked for undermining the war effort, promoting teen pregnancy and letting bedbugs loose in the East Village. At some point here, one would hope, America will return to sanity and find it’s balls. You can do it right now- say it out loud- what you’ve all been thinking. Just open your mouths and yell it right out: that every day, in every way, I am reminded that George W. Bush is the worst President we’ve ever had in these United (barely ) States. That’s it, plainly, bluntly and succinctly; The Worst Ever! He combines the stupidity and incompetence of Warren G. Harding with the conniving evil of Richard M. Nixon and the religious hypocrisy of Ronald Reagan. However in this case, the total is even worse than the sum of these parts. While Harding was surely stupid, at least he was relatively benign. While Nixon was surely dishonest, at least he was intelligent and generally competent. Dubya is stupid, incompetent, hypocritical and evil. At the very least we’re all going to be paying the tab for this cretin for many years to come… that’s if we can prevent him from committing any more atrocities over the next three years; a big IF considering how virtually everything the guy has done has been wrong, on so many levels. Whether I harbored any prior prejudice against Dubya and his boys or not is not really germane… the facts are the facts… and in this case the Facts are quite damning indeed. Of course the administration is going to attack any good citizen who points them out. We’re Defeatists and Naysayers and Enablers and worse because we see the obvious reality which is staring us directly in the face. It’s like if your friends convinced you that you could fly and you got so enthralled with the idea that you actually went up on the garage roof and jumped… and through some lucky freak of nature you survived unhurt. Now the smart man or the reasonable man or even the basically sane would have to conclude two things: 1) Perhaps my friends were mistaken and I, in fact, can’t fly and 2) maybe I need some new friends. But Dubya isn’t smart or reasonable or even basically sane. He keeps jumping off that same roof, falling Splat on the ground and climbing back up again. Each time not only refusing to acknowledge that he can’t fly, that he never could fly but also attacking those who dare to point out the obvious, more and more virulently. “I’m an AMERIKAN and an AMERIKAN can do anything he sets his mind to… and I say I can fly”! The problem is, in the case of Dubya, it isn’t just one man’s vainglorious attempt to do the impossible, for that explanation is merely more Rovian myth-making. While the deluded dreamer is something we can admire, in a Don Quixote-esque sort of way, what we have here is something much more cheap, dirty and seemly. No, in this case Dubya is actually pushing YOU off the roof… and LAUGHING about it. “Heh, Heh, Heh… You got a little more height that time… Heh, Heh, Heh… Jes’ a couple more tries and I’m sure you’ll be soaring with the eagles… Heh, Heh, Heh. Now all you naysayers get offn my garage roof before sundown- My Daddy used to play a cowboy in the movies, you know… or maybe that was that other guy. “
It’s about time fi we have a REVOLUTION, mon!
Loudmouth Bill

Umour Ritual Forum

Umour is essentially polemical not political in nature. Not that we aren't interested but more because we don't want to limit it to that specific discusson which becomes the inevitable result of "getting on politics". We want the items explored by the group to be of a deeper more universal and permanent nature. Contemporary political discourse is by definition topical, fluid and ephemeral. Umour observes the whole process of big P politics as another event/non-event scenario. However, this aesthetic detachment is only necessary for the group as a whole entity, not for each individual member personally. On that level, we are all people and citizens and are rightfully outraged by what is occurring in our country and world. Therefore on this blog page we should as individuals, feel free to express our personal opinions and observations. For those who might be interested in what the loudmouth has to say (if there is, indeed, anyone) please tune in to this ritual forum over the next few weeks. I intend to push my normally restrained and moderate nature aside and out the truth, whatever the cost. Contributions to my legal defense fund may be made payable to Umour.org (or cash). Thank you and dog bless you. Umour, Umoure, Umouris.

Your humble servant,

Loudmouth Bill

Umour Ritual Expedition to Gowanus Canal

Umour has completed it's initial survey of the Gowanus Canal area in Brooklyn, NY. Click/zoom/drag the map below to see the effort firsthand, working NE to SW.

Better yet, click into the map, zoom in in Satellite mode. (Click the title for a direct link to the map and popup photos.)

Pixagogo Photo Maps

Ode to the Angel of Freedom

Yes, Mr Bush! Fly free! Fly free of the petty laws that restrain your genius, here in the US. Fly, I say! Fly and wield your flaming sword of truth and justice! Dispense your judgements free of the unfair entanglments that hold you back! Let no man, government, mass protests, common opinion, logic, Biblical commands, the UN or any news agency--Arab or otherwise--stop you or hinder you in your quest to free the world of all that might oppose you and the angels of freedom that follow in your wake!

Swing your scythe through the fields and harvest those souls that are unworthy of your freedoms and indeed unworthy of life itself! Look down upon the nations in your glory and splendor and wisdom! Fly free, Mr President and again I say fly!

Random Patterns

The term random patterns is used to describe the phenomenon that occurs when the human brain if faced with perceiving chaos. The human brain is uniquely organized to recognize patterns. It also creates them when faced with deciphering chaos. This can be exemplified by staring at a television screen that is tuned to receive no signals. Try turning your television on and select a channel with no broadcast (“snow”). The particles, which are ejected by the cathode ray tube onto a television screen, are in no way directed unless a broadcast is being received. When a non-broadcast channel is selected the particle stream is a completely random occurrence. A small percentage of the particles which impact the screen to make “snow” are stray cosmic particles left over from The Big Bang, and other stray particles, protons, neutrons, electrons, neutrinos and quarks.

If you stare at this you will begin to see patterns. These visual patterns are not actually on the screen at all. The patterns are an illusion, created by the mind, because it cannot comprehend chaos. The chaotic appearance of these particles randomly striking the screen of a television is more akin to the physical nature of the universe than the patterns we see which our minds make up. We are forced to create order, to see patterns, and this is how we perceive the world around us and within us. We lack the ability to see the universe in its true chaotic form. We live in a universe where chaos (or complexity beyond all comprehension) is common and order is a rare exception, which sometime occurs and often is imposed by our limited consciousness.

Clubby The Seal

Self-referential semiotics...